I’ve often thought it’s such a shame that there’s not a website where people can go to list their experiences and warn potential victims about their exes. I know that kind of thing would be fraught with all kinds of libel and slander issues, but damn it, we just ought to be able to warn people! Until then, the best we can do is educate ourselves as best we can when we find ourselves in the middle of a nightmare.
And so we continue our discussion of Narcissists. I received an email this morning which reminded me of one of the most important points (in my mind) of recognizing the Narcissist spouse or partner: their fantasy world.
The fantasy world of a Narcissist is deep and wide. The fantasies themselves are an addiction, but the form they take is varied. Some have delusions of grandeur while others are alcoholics or drug addicts. This is tricky when you’re first involved with a Narcissist because sometimes the fantasy is centered on sex and pornography so you have to wonder how do you determine what’s normal in the beginning of a relationship.
A Narcissist lies when telling the truth would be easier so it’s difficult to uncover a sex or pornography addiction. Alcoholism and drug addiction have telltale signs that are easy to spot. It’s not like you’re going to go snooping in your new beloved’s browser history to discover their flaws. Or are you? (I certainly would, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.)
What if the subject of sex or pornography just finds its way into conversation frequently? Well, that could just be normal between two people who are infatuated with one another, couldn’t it? Add on top of this that you’re infatuated and your judgment is VERY clouded. It all adds up to what could be a ticking time bomb. And only time will tell.
Narcissists are fantastic storytellers. Walkaway Bob certainly is – I used to love to listen to the stories he told me about his hometown and his childhood. Somehow though, all his stories end in him being the victim. It’s really hard to separate fact from fiction with Narcissists because their fantasy world is so vivid. They live there and are wholly unable to separate themselves from it.
I really hate being the one who is cautious, the one who is suspicious, the one who doesn’t trust, the one who absolutely must pay attention to her intution every minute of the day. I really do. I’ve learned some good lessons though. My intution has NEVER failed me. I have failed my intution by not listening to it. Maybe this is just the “older and wiser” part of growing up that we’ve all heard about. I don’t know.
My goal is to maintain an open heart, and love out loud as hard as I can. AND, I’ll be cautious, suspicious and listening to my gut. We can thank Walkaway Bob for that.
So, you keep your eyes and ears open as best you can. Learn to pay attention to the red flags. When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. There’s no shame in a relationship that doesnt work out when you made deliberate choices after you gathered information along the way.
Seriously! Learn from my big, whopping mistake! Pay attention! If someone is too good to be true, listen to the warning voice in the back of your mind asking if you remembered these lessons about Narcissists.